Dishes, Friendships, and Failure

Jessica Lahey drops more than a little wisdom in her infinitely readable The Gift of Failure, the subject of our upcoming ACMA Book Club. In the first part of the book she describes the power of failure as a parenting tool, and in the second section she shifts into particular and poignant examples of “teaching kids to turn mistakes into success.”

Building on her initial argument, Part Two of The Gift of Failure begins with the assertion that kids want to feel capable, and that as the adults in their lives we have the responsibility to give them opportunities to attempt difficult tasks, learn from mistakes, and grow as a result of their experiences.

They’re ideas I look forward to talking about with the parents, students, and ACMA staff who join me for the book club on December 4th. Hearing the points of view of both the adults and the students means the possibility of helping each other, broadening our perspective, and realizing we’re not alone in what can be a challenging time.

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Presented as clearly as it is, the advice Lahey offers is a challenge that I feel up to more often as an educator than I do as a dad. As she notes, often teachers see in their students a greater capability than is seen by their parents. I get this. As a dad.

I felt this particularly when I read Lahey’s question about chores, or as she wisely calls them, “family contributions.” Discussing the importance of kids helping at home, she asked:

What’s more important -that the dishes are immaculate, or that your child develops a sense of purpose and pride because he’s finally contributing in a real and valuable way to the family?”

At the risk of sounding confessional, there are times in this mixed up world that I feel like I need a clean and picked up kitchen.

I suppose the clever reader (or Jessica Lahey, or a parent, or a student, or a staff member) will say: deal with it. Either accept a little messier or come up with a new set of chores. I know that’s sensible; it’s just that after a busy day, after I’ve hurried home from my kids’ soccer practice, there are some days I’m too tired to be the best parent I could be.

…and I want those dishes to end up clean, the kids’ homework to get done, and bedtime to happen before 10:30.

Lahey writes about her own son’s adventures in putting away dishes, noting “since that first day, he has broken dishes in the process of learning how best to carry, stack, and load them, but who cares? I’d trade ten broken plates for his smiles of competence and pride.” I am not yet that parent. Ye gads, I am not.

Maybe the group will have ideas about what works for them in this regard. The students who fill ACMA’s hallways are a responsible, well adjusted bunch. Their parents have done something right. I’m hungry to hear the stories of what that something might be.

Lahey provides the descriptions of more than a few “something rights” as well as touchstones for parents (and principals) like me. One that stuck with me came after the description of a scenario of a student packing her own lunch only to be disappointed by yogurt squashed by an ice pack. “She needs,” Lahey writes, “to be disappointed in her own choices once and a while.” What a beautifully phrased dollop of truth.

In addition to disappointment, Lahey promotes family contributions as a vehicle for learning self competence. Her chapter on “Laundry as an Opportunity” provides a host of rich examples for our discussion, and I look forward to listening to the experiences folks, both student and adult, are willing to share.

As rich may be the discussion of how students navigate the sometimes turbulent waters of friendship. In addition to that potentially polarizing question of “is it okay for parents to snoop into kids’ rooms and social media?” the topic of how much parents should be involved in the “constantly evolving” social lives of their kids promises fodder for interesting conversation.

Yes,” Lahey writes, “kids will make bad choices in friends, and some friendships will fail, but those missteps are what we look back on in order to recognize the traits of a healthy relationship versus a toxic one.”

The truth of that statement gives me pause. As a human I believe it is true; as a dad I wish it wasn’t. At least I think I do. I know that I don’t want my kids, or the hundreds of students I get to work with at my school, to have to make bad choices to learn about toxic relationships …and …and I do want them to grow, to learn, and to be strong. This is a topic I’m excited to talk with the students about. I have a feeling that their perspective will help not just me, but the other adults in the room.

That’s really the point of the whole enterprise of our ACMA Book Club, taking the time to talk together with fellow travelers on this journey of life. Listening, contributing our voices, and connecting with each other, I believe we create the opportunity to help each other and help ourselves.

 

 

The ACMA Book Club meets on December 4th from 6:30-8:00 pm in the Arts & Communication Magnet Academy library to discuss The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey.

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